Oh Hello, Bonjour, Ciao, Kon’nichiwa, Mholweni
It has been a long time… too long. Actually, I am feeling like a stranger around these parts! Why haven’t I been round?
The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind… oh ffs! No, it’s not! The answer is a cold slap in the face.
And here is why!
After Mel and I ran the Two Oceans Half Marathon I felt elated. We did it in a better time than I expected. I felt better at the finish than I ever expected and although I was so exceptionally proud of us and all the work that we put in … I had a huge forking “NOW WHAT !!” moment. And I thought “okay! Let this all sink in and the next goal will present its self… organically.”
I didn’t want to force it! After all, I had worked 2 years to reach this moment, I was allowed to have some time off to reflect, right!?
Welllllll…. It’s been months! I am sure I hit a bit of a depression. I felt like a part of my brain had been switched off. I didn’t feel like running, my eating went pear shaped (well I added some interesting morsels to the mix that didn’t do me any favours!) and just generally felt a wee bit flat.
I really do feel like an imposter, I have lost this voice and my words have been failing me. I have started this bit of writing more times than I care to remember.
I need a new goal obviously, something that energizes and excites me. But I don’t know what that is. My running has been erratic at best. And there are loads of factors, I can say the winter weather is the main culprit, but its me… I am not feeling any “love love” for the activity. I will find it and when I do it will be so good for me physically and mentally!
I feel that I need to focus on other things too. I have little girl that has recently been diagnosed with a form of dyslexia and she needs more of my time, trying to get my head around that and how best to help her is something I need to do.
Being a “single married mom” (a phrase I coined since my husband has been commuting to JHB for work weekly) has played a huge toll on me – without me even noticing. I am just missing my partner!
And then there are the other bits and pieces of life that happen and it all makes it so colourful – finding the proverbial rainbows and silver linings are just hard sometimes, but I will be damned if I don’t keep trying!
So were am I…?
I am here, sitting quietly in my lounge, tapping on lap top, hoping to get this out before my battery dies!
I have no idea how much I weigh… too terrified to jump on the scale – and I know that I do weigh a little more than my lowest of 89kg. And that is fine! My size 16 jeans are very comfy thank you very much!
I am loving my weekly classes of Pilates! It connects me to my body and it’s an hour that I can focus totally on me!
And while I have been looking around and keeping myself busy (read distracting myself from all the things!) I have noticed more and more woman embracing their age, curves, lines and I would love to explore that a little more too… I am never going to be 25 or 35 years old again… bloody hell the 45 year old ship has sailed too. But I am not afraid of aging, in fact I am excited about creating a vessel that ages in a much healthier way, in a happier way, than ever before!
Spring is around the corner and with that, the ground around us will jump into action and I am almost certain that will inspire me too!
So I will just continue to keep trucking…
And if you stick around perhaps we can inspire each other!